


Withering Innocence

by pinkheichou



Series: Murderers Create Insanity [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blood and Gore, Body Horror, Dark Past, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gore, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insanity, Kidnapping, M/M, Murder, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Serial Killer Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Suicidal Thoughts, Victim Armin Arlert, dubious ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 16:32:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13574481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkheichou/pseuds/pinkheichou
Summary: It was on a June Friday night when an unfortunate encounter branded a bruise into the soul of a young adult.(Gorgeousfic artby levibuns)(Russianversion)





	Withering Innocence

**Author's Note:**

> Please read all tags. There is no descriptive focus on the rape, but it's there. It's mentioned. Because I desperately wanted to post this today, I only managed to proofread it once and a half (kinda?). Sorry for any mistakes/typos that are left, I will correct them asap. 
> 
> I usually don't write in first person's POV (anymore), but this story is told from Armin's POV

It had been a mystery to figure out what I had done to be the one who would experience this moment where my life would change completely; once more, even though I had not once asked for it.

Life had already screwed me once, so why did it happen again?

Why did it have to be me who would meet the - by the general mass feared - brutal serial killer and mass murderer Levi Ackerman during one of his killings in a side-alleyway which I had taken to make a short-cut to my way home?

There was news about him every day ever since his murders increased insanely. The police were on frantic search for him, relying on any hint they could get and making almost every of their researches public. Publicising everything wasn’t the best option, the police would be aware of that the most, but hopeless cases would always call for drastic measures.

Why did I have to face him? —his bloody hands and face on display for me in the dull moonlight, his teeth so pale white they reflected the shining light.

The sharp clank of metal hitting the floor indicated for a knife being dropped as Levi cackled faintly.

The police had warned that if anyone were to see him, we were supposed to flee right away because every second wasted counted as a hundred milliseconds closer to imminent death.

I knew by now that I had broken that one and only rule already. Stiffly, I stood in place, something I couldn’t quite put a finger on didn’t let my muscles move. My chance to escape. To attempt a heroic escape. Because if I ever were to reach the police station after this, I could surely help them with the information I had involuntarily, forcefully, ruthlessly obtained just now.

Namely, Levi Ackerman on one of his killing strikes in a side-alley of Sina City.

“Aren’t ya going to run, kid?” I had always thought serial killers had nasty voices. Tending to sound as gross as the sick smiles of pedophiles when looking at a child—their prey.

Levi’s voice was deep but smooth. A lot more for my ears to bear than I had imagined. Venomous but lucid.

Though, that realisation didn’t help me at all.

“Or did you already realise that you have no chance to escape anyway? Hm? Talk to me, kiddo.” Beside the striking luminance of his teeth unraveling under an insane grin, his eyes lit up with a bursting grey; a dominant grey.

I knew my death would come soon.

But I hadn’t planned it to happen like that.

Without a warning, suddenly, and with full brutal force my throat got caught in his grip, his fingers clawing around my air tube.

He dragged me to him, until my head would hit his chest. The fingers tightened and I choked. I doubted getting strangled promised a fast and painless death.

Why? Why me? Why like this?

For a reason or not, I clutched my hands together over his hold, some of the still warm blood of his victim sticking to my skin, but all in all it had been an attempt of mine to… what? Save my own life? At a moment when despair had already devoured every last bit of hope?

“Too bad I can’t kill you here right now,” he breathed ominously into my ear. As if parasites found a way to my brain through the inner of my ear, purposing to plant madness into my mind.

His voice was madness.

If he had the opportunity, he would kill me within the time span of an eye blink.

Strange enough, none of my observations of him up until right now had given me anxious shivers. There weren't traces of utter panic eating away at my sanity, no single drop of shock cursing the cores of my bones.

How fucked up was that?

I wanted to die, yes, but not like this. Not like this, right?

“I might get caught, y’know?” Levi applied more pressure on my throat, and I found it to be a miracle that air hadn’t been cut off thoroughly for me to breath yet.

I was still alive.

Levi chuckled darkly, hoarsely, behind my ear, his fingers taut on my throat. “God, your sheer presence is tempting me to do it, though.”

His erection strained in his pants, probably evoked by his sick mind and his sick fantasies, and I had the wish to vomit the disgust I was feeling in my guts.

No matter how miserable my life was, how pathetic I was—I had my pride too.

And right at this very moment my pride told me that I was held captive, almost strangulated to death by something worse than an animal.

Just kill me now…

“Let’s go.” Levi said and immediately adjusted his hold on my neck, hooking his elbow under my chin instead as he dragged me with him to wherever we were going.

The place would be the epitome of hell, most likely.

I didn’t fight much against his dragging, my feet walking over and past the dead victim on the floor. I didn’t make out much of the figure, but they were surely bleeding in copious amounts.

At some point, he pressed a flat palm over my eyes, pressing so hard I thought he wanted to push my eyeballs into my eye-socket. It stung uncomfortably.

From then, I didn’t know where we were going. Not that I had paid much attention to my surroundings before that, but now… I was totally helpless.

With my visual sense completely shut, my mind plummeted into a panic – overreacting and alarming – and attempted to adjust the other four senses to balancing the missing eye-sight. Paradoxically, my sense of time waned as well.

It could have been hours or days even when he finally seemed to have reached his destination, I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.

That I wasn’t dead yet was the only thing I was aware of.

My feelings still bolted through every vein of my body; blood pumping dramatically through my heart, to the point that my chest compressed, shiverings laminating my skin, either due to the distress or the chilly air—or both; despite of the bitter seriousness of the situation, I didn’t bring myself to fall into a mortal fear over this.

I wasn’t scared.

Whatever would happen, I didn’t fear the one and only outcome of this. Only the unknown way to death busied my mind. It could be a fast procedure.

Or Levi would want to see me suffer first.

“We’re here.” Levi eeriely cooed into my ear, summoning a cold shiver out of me.

He ungraciously threw me onto the floor. I hit the surface silently, keeping the vocal proof of pain within my pitiful being.

Levi climbed on top, rear side meeting my abdomen, all weight crashing down on me. He didn’t weigh much. But on the other hand I was as frail as feather. Feeble and useless.

He glinted a murderous smirk at me. “Heh. Now we’re alone. I can kill you the way I wanna, no need to rush. Isn’t that great?” He grabbed the back of his pants and retrieved a bloody knife. His eyes scrutinised it grudgingly. “I used two knives on that guy, by the way. I usually don’t kill someone with a used and bloody knife. How gross. But, well, I guess I can make an exception. Here, you see this? It’s still warm and slick from the dude’s blood. I think I did a good job. Yes, I did.” he talked more to himself rather than to me, snickering as he held the knife close to his face.

No single noise had left my mouth still. Instead, I stared straight into his face, unperturbed—faintly glaring.

Why did he take his time? He wasn’t even using that time to go cruel on me. He would just spit out stuff I didn’t need to hear .

Of course, sooner or later, he would notice that I was acting…  _oddly_. So still and unimpressed.

“Huh?” he started, “You are not going to cry? Not going to scream? Don’t you want to beg for your life? For me to let you go? Where is your last string of hope of wanting to get out of here alive? Not that you will, but you are strangely silent for someone who’s about to die.” His eyes peeked at me with clear curiosity at first, face twisting to a mask of insanity then, same with his grin.

“Heh, why should I?” I should just keep my mouth shut. There was no use in talking to him. As if we could negotiate stuff. That was ridiculous. I didn’t want to talk in the first place. But the words tumbled past my lips by themselves, pouring out generously. “My parents are dead. I have no family or friends. The only thing that had kept me going in life was my wish to become a sea captain and explore the sea and the rest of the world, but even that dream of mine was crashed because of some toxic gas having defiled my lungs! I am not allowed to leave the city, that’s how much the illness is restricting me! So what is there to live for for me anymore?! Just fucking kill me because I don’t care!”

Getting worked up over this had been a big mistake. It didn’t do my gradually heaving lungs good. And it wasn’t like Levi would show some sympathy. I hoped this would be my first and last mistake.

I hoped he would kill me right away now. A quick death was so much more preferable.

Levi’s brows crunched, dubious. I maintained eye contact with him, staring warily at him myself. Suddenly his gaze swapped to one of my arms. He grabbed it by my wrist and his other hand pulled the sleeve down.

A series of clean cuts cascading down the inner side of my arm came to view. The freshest one, from yesterday, burned lightly as cool air breezed past. The crimson red decorated my arm like threads.

“What a fucking waste!” Levi stood up, turning his back at me. He groaned with irritation. “I kidnapped a pathetic suicidal kid! _Oh my fucking god_ , killing you wouldn’t be any fun!”

He kicked me in the ribs once, just as I was about to sit up. That was a moment where I let out a groan of physical agony – that I was forced to yell due to the jarring impact of the hit – and I instinctively curled in on myself.

“Okay, okay, it’s okay.” Levi uttered in a trance, mantra-like. He skidded my body to one wall of the room, nearly all of me was dragged over the floor. There, he sat me up, and not before he took them in his own hands did I spot the broad cuffs that were attached to the wall. He cuffed me while he grinned into my face, pleased. “I’m sure we can have some other fun, right? Wait here.”

Last two words practically spit into my face with how close he had been, Levi drew back and left the room for a while.

It was when I acknowledged being all alone that I sensed the dark silence in the room, engulfing me and dulling me into a vacant parallel university where only deafening muteness and creeping delusion existed.

Now that I actually had the opportunity to do so, I swept my gaze over the room. Not much functioned as a furniture here, just a plain makeshift bed, a desk and a chair, and a little wardrobe. Not the coolest chillness tainted the air, with which a killer could abuse me, but it wasn’t the warmest temperature either. On a second thought, I could be glad that I had chosen to wear my ridiculously wide sweater today, at least 3 sizes too big for me. Not only would they cover my cuts and too thin body (the latter being a result of me shitting on my self-care gracefully), but they also kept me warm enough.

To keep the warmth inside and around me as effectively as was possible, I pulled my knees to my chest, hands wrapped around my legs.

Others would probably ask themselves what to do now. How they could find a way to escape. All the while being cladded with horrid anxiety and the fear of getting killed any time.

No matter how abhorrent my current situation was, I didn’t bring myself to care that much.

 _What I should do now?_  Nothing. Let the things happen the way they come.

 _How I can escape from here?_  I don’t even try.

In the end, I didn’t care what happened to me. It would end in me getting murdered by that psychopath anyway, and I didn’t reject that idea to be honest. Made it a lot easier for me to come the closest to my death wish as was possible.

Approximately ten minutes later, Levi entered the room. He had wound a towel round his neck, hair slightly dishevelled, clean clothes put on.

Wordlessly, he slided down the wall next to me, until we were on same height level. I heard him grin disgustingly. “What’s your name?” he began casually, but with a hint of mockery in his tone.

 _Don’t be talkative._ There’s no use to it.

“Armin.” The words slipped between my lips before I could do something.

“Oh… Armin,” he seemed to taste the name on his tongue, taking his time, as if he were to sample an expensive wine. “Not a bad name.”

I dared to snort, deep down and low in my throat.

“Don’t get cocky or I will ruin your face with a knife.”

Jaw tense, I turned my head to the other side, where Levi wasn’t sitting.

 _Why that small talk?_ Did he want me to get familiar to this before he’d ruthlessly rip life out of my body? Ridiculous.

The pull hurting on top of my head with how he had fisted his fingers into my hair, I was forced back to look at him. Levi regarded me with irritation clouding gloomily his eyes, but overall superiority gave him a self-assured expression.

“You saw how I killed that man just now? Did you see his body? Hm?” He pressed his lips together, restraining the excitement that would have made him blurt everything out on the spot.

I fought back a grunt as he pulled harder. Squeezing one eye shut, I weakly laid one of my hands on top of his tugging one—even if that in itself was a useless act. The cuffs and chains clattered. “N-No.” I pushed out through clenched teeth.

“What a pity. Because it was a beautiful sight. I gave him big cuts on his chest and face. The cuts gaped pretty streams of blood. I think in those last minutes where he was still alive he had been so excited to see me, his blood must have been rushing like mad inside his body. That’s why it had gushed out of the wounds like a waterfall later, I guess.” He snickered to himself, proud to tell an experience.

He appeared to pretend to be clueless about how the man must have been _horrified to death_ upon encountering the most wanted serial killer, but for the sake of the sick beauty of his story, he had discarded that detail artfully.

Finally, he let go of my hair. I wanted to complain about the harshness of the grip by voice, but pulled myself together in order to not go lower as a pathetic being than I had already gone.

Nothing came for a significant while. Levi would just stare straight ahead, sometimes wiggling his feet outwards and then inwards, watching that repeated motion.

I didn’t bother thinking of an appropriate thing to do or say as a victim. “Why are you killing people?” And before I knew it, the question was already uttered. Part of me complained that I should just shut up. But the other part… the part of myself that had been shrouded with curiosity and the yearning for answers ever since I could think… that part prevailed right now.

“You didn’t sound reproachful.” Levi cocked his head to the side, ear almost meeting shoulder. “You didn’t hysterically shout these words at me while you would still hold onto the last bits of hope just like everyone who I had killed before. You didn’t voice contempt. You didn’t even call me a monster.”

If there was a thing I had mostly stuck to doing then it was that of judging  _after_  hearing someone’s story. But just as well I could drop that principle and do as I like. Levi hadn’t given me reason to stay neutral. He was a fucking inhumane bastard who I could disdain as much as I wanted.

“You see,” Levi fully turned his head at me, his keen stare paralysing me for a short moment, “I saw my mom getting killed.”

“So what?” I retorted promptly—too quickly. As if he had offended me. Actually, he had. “I witnessed the death of my parents too, even though I hadn’t wanted that. I hadn’t wanted them to die in the first place. But that didn’t make me a murderer. I never killed a man before.”

Levi smirked maliciously. “You think that is all there is to that? You didn’t even listen to the whole thing, you shit. I saw how my mom got killed, yes, but that wasn’t all. You fucking dumbass. I saw her getting _gang-raped_ by four men before that. They seemed to have gotten bored after a while, that’s the only reason they slit her throat open. But the worst – no, the best! – thing was how they were visited by their needy feelings again so they fucked her corpse later. One even scooped out her eyeballs and fucked her eye-socket, thrusting into her skull as if that had brought the biggest joy along with the blood making every movement of his dick so smooth for him. I witnessed it all from the start to the end. I couldn’t even seem to run away. But when my senses had come back, they found me.”

“Instead of killing me right there and then, throwing my dead body to a pile next to the one of my mother, they took me with them to their place. For the longest time of the passing weeks I had been gang-raped too. Sometimes by them, other times they sold my body to old men for a limited time. But at some point I’ve had enough of it. I was _sick_ of it! So I killed all four of them; one by one; taking my sweet and precious time. During that time I seemed to have gained a brutish strength for my murderous intentions. I cut off the first man’s dick and forced him to eat it bit by bit before I stabbed his crotch again and again to which he died in one of the most painful ways. I skinned the second one alive until he bled out. The third one got his eyes massacred, tongue and mouth sliced open and hundreds of small cuts adorned his body before I ripped the flesh over his ribcage open and squeezed his heart until it stopped beating. I didn’t know what to do with the fourth one, so I just decided to bring an aggressive wolf home and let it eat the man. His screams had been the most delicate to my ears, I must say.” Levi put on a little pause. His mouth twitched up to a crazy distort. “Isn’t that nice? I think it’s so very great. I will never get tired of thinking about this. It’s kinda fuel to me, y’know.”

Because of my indifference to everything which had become a thing after I lost my will to live, there had barely been anything I couldn’t stomach. But this… At that, even I had to swallow down a lump that had bubbled up out of sheer disgust.

“What I realised later, though, is that killing came with so much satisfaction. You know why? Because I could kill everyone I hated! Yes, right. If anyone wasn't to my liking as a person, if there was someone who pestered me with their existence, then I could just take their life! I had a way to get rid of them, and on top it was quite some fun.” Levi grinned into his hands and when his lips were freed from the palms, I saw deep bitemarks momentarily fossilising his bottom lip. “My general hate for them drove me to kill every useless scum I ever encountered. I wanted all of them dead.”

“I’ve followed bits of your killing streaks in the news. You got popular because of the mass murders in slums. But gradually other kinds of people were murdered by you too.”

Levi swiped a hand, with his fingers spread, through a patch of his raven-black hair, leaning his head on the wall behind. “Anyone who irritated me. Just like I said.” He silenced for a second or two, faced me with a content expression. Reminiscing about his past must have wheeled his sick fantasies or something like that. “What about you, Armin? What happened when your parents got killed, hm?”

Why did he try upholding a conversation with me? What was the meaning of that? “Nothing.” And why did I play along? I shouldn’t trip into the illusion of this being a casual and rational thing. “There was that man, one of my parents’ acquaintances—”

“What’s his name?” Levi urged impatiently.

I frowned at him suspiciously. Wariness spread over the furrow of my brows. What… Seriously, this guy was so fucked up and illogic. “Lobov. Nicholas Lobov.”

Levi nodded his head very decently, hard to notice—it was barely a tip of his chin up and down. “Go on.” he said with steadiness.

I shrugged—perhaps a bit too coarsely. “There’s nothing more to it. He killed them one night when he visited them. Shot them, to be exact; I saw him doing it, he didn’t see me. The police never found him after the incident. Too much time without any results had passed, so they dropped the investigations. Naturally, I became an orphan and was sent to an orphanage. I never had any friends, was all to myself, but I didn’t mind it that much. That’s it. That’s my crappy life.”

“Hoh.” Levi sharpened his lips his mouth to a small ‘o’. He raised a brow, lips close to my ears, warm breath exasperating on my earshell. “What is it about your lungs, then? Tell me.”

I closed my eyes slowly, cursed internally. Levi was, for sure, a persistent guy who wouldn’t miss the opportunity to pick on one’s weakness. Of course he wouldn’t, he was a killer after all. If he wanted much fun then he’d most likely try to find out how to give his victim the most painful death—no matter whether physically or mentally.

And I had been dumb enough to give him that fuel voluntarily. Why didn’t I yell at him to just kill me, for fuck’s sake, with me and my stupid brain, my life could only go downwards.

“What is wrong with your lungs? They don’t seem broken.” Levi rasped lowly. A hand of his wandered down to the middle of my chest. He applied firm pressure. I had to groan. Levi smirked.

Bastard.

“It was during an internship.” I breathed out once, heavily, shoving his hand away from my chest. Levi didn’t show resistance. “At a pharmacy. Besides my interest in the ocean and nautics, chemics had been my second hobby. Me and a few other people had been in a laboratory when someone had turned on the gas inflow that lead into the lab. No one suspected anything strange at first, until one of the workers outside of the laboratory checked the monitor for the gas supplies. We were informed after, but I hadn’t heard the warning through the speakers fast enough. I was working on a sample under a microscope. I was so engrossed in my work, I didn’t notice or sense anything unusual. Soon enough, my body sriked, and when I finally left the room, it was already too late. The gas had already damaged my lungs irreparably. How pathetic. My love for something had become a curse.”

“What a sad story.” Levi mocked. If I had the courage, I would have openly scowled at him. I did it secretely, my face hidden behind my bangs. “Do you have to take some medicine?”

“Yes. Two pills a day.”

“So, does that mean,” He edged even closer to me, our hips meeting. What the actual heck. “If I keep you here long enough, you will die?” I didn’t have to look at him to know that his eyes were probably flashing with fascination.

“Yes.” A monotonous reply.

“If that is so, then why didn’t you already kill yourself by not taking them?”

I snapped suddenly, as if my mind went on high defensive mode. “Because I—” I halted, hollow words stuck in my throat. What did I want to say? What was my answer to this? “I… don’t know. “ I admitted at last, gazing off into the distance. That fact had never been as precise to me as it was right now. He had spoken the truth. I could have killed myself the whole time now, all conditions had been in my favour.

How fucked up was that?

I guess, I really needed to flee from this crazy person. He made me think of stuff I didn’t bother considering. I didn’t need this. Didn’t want it.

Levi rose to his feet, not bothering to spare me a glance, and left. As the door fell closed, depressing darkness overwhelmed me again.

The next day (I hadn’t slept at all, too unbearable had been my restlessness) Levi visited me exactly one time. An opened can with a spoon stuck inside laid in his hand. He didn’t waste much time, crouched down until we were on same eye level.

He shovelled a good amount of whatever that mush was and held the spoon in front of my face. With an expressionless face, he waited. No degrading insults. No scorn.

I shook my head at his offer, lips sealed closed.

Levi showed reaction: he clicked his tongue. “Eat.” The underline was on that single word. The spoon touched my lips, smearing. Reluctantly, I gave in inch for inch. “I don’t want you to die on me… _yet_.” There it was again: his – by now for me – infamous sick grin.

In the end, I had managed to swallow down three spoonfuls of the pulp and a gulp of whatever liquid he had given me.

To my dismay, he occupied the same spot next to me as yesterday after placing down the can. Damn it, go away. “Say, say, Armin,” his cheerful tone didn’t fit to the current moment at all (or any moment where I was his victim). He slowly turned his head to look at me, but I didn’t look back. “Don’t you want to pay that Lobov guy back? Don’t you want to see him dead for what he’s done to your parents?”

Almost mechanically did my gaze shift to the direction of his voice. “I won’t kill anyone.”

Totally unfazed, indifferent, Levi crooked his brow upwards. “How about I bring him here and you do the same thing he did to your parents? Sounds good, right?”

My irritation mounted. “What the— You don’t even know where he is! He might as well be living in another country  _on another continent_. Perhaps he's already dead! Drop whatever you’re trying with this shit. You aren’t lifting the mood, if that is what you’re aiming for.”

Levi grunted, “It isn’t your job to doubt my abilities, so shut the fuck up.” He tugged mercilessly at one of my wrist cuffs, forcing me to look into his dull eyes from up close. “I’m offering you something nice. Where is the appreciation?”

I bit the inner flesh of my mouth out of frustration. “I’d rather you kill me right here and right now.”

Levi stood. Reluctantly, my eyes followed his every movement. “Didn’t you listen just now? I said  _not yet_.”

He left and I got to be all to myself for two days. I think it must have been two days, but who was I to actually trust my sense of time anymore. However, since my lungs hadn’t divulsed painfully, I must still be lingering within the time span of where the lack of intake of my medicine was acceptable.

I woke up to a low, crooning voice. Laying on the side on the hard cold floor hadn’t given me the best feelings while sleeping, which lead to me being heavily disorientated at first, jittering my eyelids open and cautiously moving my limbs. Once my vision focused on the guy right before my eyes, I found myself staring into Levi’s facial complexion. The moment he saw me looking at him, his calling died out and was substituted by a grotesque smile.

“You’re finally awake.” he said casually, too casually for my own taste.

“Wha…” First taking in and then willing away the spikes buzzing through my spine that came from my inconvenient sleeping position, I stood up—even if internally slowly. Levi removed my cuffs wordlessly. There was a fat red band scraping each of my wrists.

“I have a little present for you.” That Levi literally sang his words like a lullaby didn’t sit well with me, and whatever it was that he had prepared for me I didn’t want to see it. My chest tightened with nausea. There were hints of flight instincts clouding my mind. But just because I wasn’t cuffed to a wall anymore it didn’t erase the fact that Levi still had me under his control.

He rather unpleasantly hauled me to my feet and led me to another room by my elbow – his grip hurt as always – and I couldn’t do else than to follow.

However, once we were inside the room next door, my eyes eventually catching what must have been subject of the matter, I instinctively started struggling. Mewling resistance, the sound vibrating in my dry throat, I tugged a bit, slowed down my walking, stepped back even. But Levi wouldn’t have any of it. He shoved me forward with twice as much force.

To the point that I was even trying to unclasp his fingers from round my arm with my hand, indicated how mentally appalling this whole thing was for me.

No, no, no,  _no!_  I didn’t want this. Leave me be. Don’t do that to me. Don’t force me to it. No…

The guy – wriggling and struggling in his bonds – that Levi had brought; the prey he had hunted and presented to me like a trophy was…

Lobov.

“Isn’t this nice?” Levi spoke softly. His constant calmness was probably the thing that let my sanity crack the most.

As we stopped in our tracks, right before Lobov who was winding his body on the dirty floor, my mind spun and made it hard for me to breath.

Levi could have practically broken my arm with how brutally he was gripping it, pushing me a step forward. He triumphantly seethed through his clenched teeth, “Look, Armin. _Look at him._ I got you a really nice present. I made sure it’s the one you wanted.”

I never wanted him! I knew in which way he meant the “wanting” and that was what caused my mind to panic.

With a terrified face, I spun my head to him. “How did you find him?!”

Levi cocked his head to the side, as if I had asked one of the simplest questions ever to which he pitied me because of not knowing the answer. “Oh, Armin. Now you see that you shouldn't have judged what I can do and what I can’t do. Once I found out that he never moved away from the city, everything else was so easy!”

“I won’t kill him!”

A wide, insane grin distorted Levi’s face. “We’ll see about that.”

“No, fuck you. I won’t do that!” And then Levi’s other hand had already found my face. Placing his palm under my chin and his thumb and fingers each on both sides of my cheeks, he forced my head downwards.

“Look at him. Look properly at him.” I looked—had no other choice. The murderer of my parents was wheezing and writhing and there were even tears in his eyes. “Don’t you think he deserves it?”

Without thinking too much about it, half of my senses numbed anyway, my front teeth clawed into the flesh of my bottom lip until blood was drawn. “Y-You kill him.” I pushed in between laboured breaths. “I don’t care. But, you kill him.”

Levi pressed a knife onto my palms as he patted my shoulder. “No, you’ll kill him, sweetie.”

I frantically shook my head as tremors broke free and washed over my body. “I’m not a murderer. And I won’t become one. I don’t have the desire to become as gross as you. You fucking  _sick, psychopathic_  killer.” My gaze falling onto Lobov’s body didn’t help either. His panic-fulled wiggling and muffled screaming and weeping gave me tearing anxiety. It would be so much better if he were to lie there motionlessly… just like lifeless.

“Don’t you get it? This is the man who killed your parents. Are your parents indifferent to you? Do to him what he did to your mom and dad. Avenge your parents.”

“I won’t kill a human!” The shrieking scream was followed by a temporary tranquility, dipping the air around me in sinister agony. It was as if pitch-black hands had emerged from the floor and were wafting above and around my arms. This could have been a demon possession ceremony just as well. I lost myself. I didn’t feel anything anymore. My head spun and I could swear the dark hands were ripping my sanity apart. Boisterously. Brutally. Bloodily.

The knife in my hand trembled like an earthquake. How much more peace it would give me if I could just thrust the knife into my wrist and hit the main artery. Instant death.

Levi’s sigh and voice caused a part of myself to slip back to the present. “I actually hadn’t planned to tell you this, but you aren’t giving me another choice. There’s actually more to all this, you know. That Lobov dude,” Levi placed himself right next to me. His chest touched my arm and his lips grazed the hair above my ear. “When I told him that you wanted to meet him, see him again, he mulled over the mention of your name and started to laugh. He remembered you. And he remembered that he saw you in that pharmacy where you absolved your internship and where he went to because of a sponsorship. When he saw you in that laboratory, he bore a grudge against the idea of your parents being dead but you still being alive. So, unremorsefully, he turned on a knob that filled the room up with acidic gas. He did that with the full intention of letting the gas kill you. Who else would die as well didn’t matter to him. That’s what he told me.” Levi huffed a satisfied snicker. “Do you know what that means?  _He_  ruined your lungs. Not just anyone, it was your parents’ murderer!”

Lobov began to struggle aggressively. His eyes were wide open, reddened and tearier than before. Veins popped on his face and he looked as if he was close to suffocating. I wondered what he would say if the gag wasn’t in the way.

“What?” The strength in my limbs leaving me, I fell onto my knees, still caught in a shock. “You…” Blankly, I stared into Lobov’s eyes.

I saw despair in them.

“You did that?”

The man who took a liking in ruining someone else’s life.

“You are the one who’s at fault for my flawed lungs?”

He stole my will to live.

“You destroyed the one and only thing that gave me reason to live?! It’s because of you that I can’t fulfill my dreams of exploring the sea and world?! You! You, you, you! You took everything from me! Everything!” The first strike hit his stomach. I had realized that only halfway. Looking at it, how the knife stuck cleanly inside, I slowly pulled it back. Lobov seemed to have gone silent from the sudden hit, staring at his wound with blank horror on his face.

His first wound.  _My_  first cut.

Once he came back to his senses (and I did too, but in a more lunatic way) and he started to struggle, I struck out and stabbed him again. Second were his arms then shoulders, face, cheek, eye, collarbone, throat and, lastly, several stabs right through his heart. Crazily, the knife had hit him, my arm didn’t tire anytime soon and my sane reasoning had been completely wiped out.

Lobov had turned into a bleeding and slaughtered mess.

He was dead.

Shivers simmered in the pits of my stomach, and I wished I could curl into a ball, pathetically, and just scream and cry.

I had killed a man.

Regret would surely consume my mind for the rest of my life.

But I killed the man who’d shattered my life.

There wouldn’t be regret if scum was gotten rid of in this world.

“Wow.” Levi’s voice reaching my ears after what felt like an eternity evoked an estranged vibe inside me. “What kind of pussy cuts are those, heh. I thought you were at least strong enough to kill like a real man.”

 _‘Like a real man.’_ If I had had the energy, I would have laughed hysterically at that.

I dropped my head to my hands and felt abundances of liquid red on them.

It had really happened. My mind didn’t seem to have played tricks on me. Everything was real.

_Murder._

“Lemme do the rest.” Levi grabbed the knife quickly and didn’t waste a second to finish the gross art that I had started.

I stepped back a bit, had apparently been collected enough to do such a simple move, and watched from a safe distance how Levi violated Lobov’s body with deeper and countless more cuts. In the end, Lobov looked far from recognisable. Merely a big piece of meat, all bloody and partly fragmented, a good candidate for being exquisite animal food.

One of the habits of serial killer Levi Ackerman was to brutally cut and rip apart his victim's flesh.

It was around his last cuts that I freed myself from my mental freeze, having needed to take that much time to process what I had done.

I had murdered Lobov. He died because he had done those things to me. He died because of me.

I registered one corner of my lips tugging up. It felt…

I shouldn’t give in to that momentary blissful feeling of uncontrolled indulgence.

Though, I had to fight with myself if I didn’t want to show off my crippling sanity in front of Levi. Because right now I really felt like wanting to insanely giggle away the grotequeness.

At least I got this vengeance. Lobov was no more.

“Ah, by the way,” Levi lifted his head to meet my eyes with a smirk. I granted him a view of my semi-grinning face only partially, most of my facial parts covered by my locks, “What I told you just now was a big, fat lie.”

Silence. Tormenting and morbid silence. The only thing I heard was my heart palpitating in my ears. Blood dashingly hot and thousands of emotions infiltrating my head, bursting there.

What?!

Levi straightened his position, not once breaking eye contact with me. “You really thought he said those things to me? Are you dumb? We’re talking about attempted murder here. He would have never ever told me such a thing if it he had really done that. You idiot. But, oh how amusing it was to see you get riled up over a made up thing and finally kill him.”

Wait… This couldn’t be. This couldn’t be the truth. Levi must be the one lying, right? He must be lying!

Lobov did this. Lobov poured gas into my lungs and had succeeded in destroying my body with that…  _right?_

Of course not!

God damn it!

Why didn’t I see through this earlier?!

Why should Lobov ever admit an attempted murder to a _stranger_? That was illogical! No one would ever do that when it incriminated him. So – of course! – Lobov didn’t tell Levi anything. Because there had been nothing to say other than what Levi knew—about Lobov and my parents.

But I… The fool I was… I had believed him. Believed every single word. Even let myself get carried away to the point that my sanity had snapped and a human life extinguished.

I wanted to put my head in my heavily shaking hands and hope for Levi to kill me right after.

Just let me die. I deserved it. I wanted it.

From the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of Levi covering one half of his face with a hand while the other rubbed over his crotch. But I didn’t pay much attention to that, until…

“Hah, feels so good. Hey, Armin,” Levi stopped his auto-erotic rubbing and pushed me onto the floor, my back hitting the ground roughly. He himself hovered above me, keen eyes and a predatory grin. I barely sensed how my pants were pulled down. And then…

Everything that came after remained as a white haze in my memory.

I hadn’t had it in mind when I passed out, but I did take notice of waking up. But with that came a throbbing in my head. I groaned to the pain and wanted to grip my head, but my right hand didn’t act. It felt heavy. Actually, my whole body felt heavy and slack. Blinking my eyes further open, I finally caught up on the fact that I was moving on my feet— _stumbling_ was a better notion.

A groan roared past my lips again as I looked to the one side next to me, fast, and saw Levi dragging me somewhere with one of my arms resting on his shoulder.

I let my head drop again, too straining were the efforts of keeping my head straight or walk properly. Talking was impossible due to my lips feeling swollen and the physical pressure and sluggish state inside my body made it really difficult for my body to function.

Was it because of the rape? Did the rape do this to me? No, it couldn’t be. I’ve never heard of someone’s bodily functions worsening like this because of a rape. Drugs? Did Levi drug me? That could be it with how out of control I was victimised to.

“You’re awake?” Levi didn’t alter his way of carrying me, continuing as if nothing out of order had happened. “I had to give you something to make you compliant.You aren't allowed to know where I live at the moment. I don’t want to move from my place, it would be such a hassle.”

“Whe—” _Where are you bringing me?_ So many questions swirled in my head. What happened to Lobov’s corpse? Where are we? What was Levi going to do to me?

Why wasn’t I dead yet?

“Don’t worry. We’re almost there.” Clueless, I staggered alongside him until he stopped at a random place. My weakened body wouldn’t allow me to raise my face and look around to locate where I was, whether there were streets or any form of civilisation nearby. “This is a good spot.”

Before I knew it Levi had thrown my body forward and I fell, unbraked. The impact echoed in my ribcage in form of a nerve-wracking ache. With how numb most of my body still felt, I could barely turn my head to his direction. My dry bottom lip shivered as I tried to formulate a single word, handful of dirtied blond strands hindering my sight.

Expressionlessly, I kept my gaze on him. Why, I did not know. Not spacing out, not passing out, kept me alive.

_Levi._

“Well,” Levi crouched in front of me, displaying a malicious grin. “Now it’s up to you whether you die or not, Armin.”  

“L-Le—…” My mouth and throat impersonated the desert. The drugs Levi had given me were merciless. Everything, just existing and breathing, hurt so much. Though, the latter could also have another reason behind it…

Levi snickered one last time, stood up. He left swiftly and didn’t look back.

He was gone.

I should be glad that I was finally away from him. But I didn’t even have the chance to express internal relief because from one moment to the other my chest constricted cruelly. I coughed and with that came blood—up my throat and beyond my lips.

Shit.

Of all times, it had to be now that my lungs acted up.

The fact that I hadn't taken my medicine for days made itself noticeable, in an agonizing way. I needed my medicine, I got that. I fucking knew that I was a fucked up mess right now.

More coughs sounded off and more blood littered the floor. I could do as much as to clutch my chest and stomach, wanting to curl in on myself.

Every fiber of my body burned and my lungs felt like rotting in that very moment.

_I’m dying._

Soon, life would shit on me as my essentials for living would be taken away.

_I’m dying a painful death._

Levi, you…

I was dying!

***

One week later, the big news would still be all over on TV.

_‘19 years old guy was kidnapped by the maniac serial killer Levi Ackerman and returned alive.'_

_‘Young adult had been able to escape a horrendous death while being held captive by Levi Ackerman.’_

_‘A. A., 19, student, was spared from Levi Ackerman’s deathly tortures, but got raped and was abandoned on the street.’_

From what the doctors and police had told me so far, I had been found unconscious, a generous amount of blood having been coughed out. The doctors had to keep me in a coma for three days. I woke up, fully aware that I was, in fact, still alive.

For my own protection, I had opted to mostly stay mute, even when the police was finally allowed to interogate me. They told me that Lobov’s body was found in the woods in the middle of nowhere and the police had immediately concluded that this had been Levi’s doing; because of the typical cuts. I didn’t give a statement to that. They told me that I had had great luck because no one else had ever made it back alive from Levi’s captivity.

Great ‘luck’, huh?

The doctor who treated me, Dr. Grisha Jaeger, showered me in reassurances as well. He informed me about how they had been able to save my lungs from totally collapsing. Also, new medical treatments had been approved for me. I wouldn’t have to take two pills a day anymore. My breathing organ would forever be flawed, but they would do everything to make “my lungs less bothersome”, as they had put it.

Therapies for me had been arranged as well once I woke up. Post-traumatic stress disorder, panic attacks, anxiety, and, and, and. They talked to me about them all, although I had not shown signs of any of these. The only thing that had occured was my muteness—and that had been chosen by my own will. Of course they interpreted it as an outcome of PTSD. When they saw the cuts on my wrists, the therapies had doubled in intensity.

My therapist, Dr. Eren Jaeger, son of Dr. Grisha Jaeger, was just the same as all the others. He would cradle me in reassurances and hold an optimistic view of my situation. Would tell me that I would get all treatment needed. That I wouldn’t have to worry. That I shouldn’t lose hope and faith. That this horrible thing was unlikely going to happen to me ever again.

What did they know about me? Nothing. Nothing at all. They should stop hammering meaningless concatenations of words into my head.

They knew nothing. They didn’t know that it hadn’t been Levi who killed Lobov. It was me. They didn’t know how I was feeling or what I was thinking, no one knew.

They created their own assumptions and judgments and acted accordingly, thinking this was the way things were for me.

But had they ever asked me how I was feeling? What I needed? Wanted?

Because I…

I wanted to see Levi again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I want to write the second part of this series (which is also the last part) as soon as I can because there it will be explained what Armin meant by that last statement.
> 
> My tumblr is [pinkheichou](http://www.pinkheichou.tumblr.com)


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